When My Bipolar Gets The Best of Me

It’s days like today that I’m reminded that Bipolar is a stronger beast than I give it credit for at times. A morning of sudden anxiety and harsh tones in my every word. Leave dropoff thinking fourth graders are laughing at my car and Julia. Dreading each minute of a spin class I usually love then rushing to my car so no one can see me. Going straight home and blowing off all errands planned because the anxiety. Trying to find my credit card and begin to think my friend stole it.  Catching things move out of the corner of my eye but nothing is there.

Bipolar is a blazing siren of fear. She screams and the anxiety and paranoia overwhelm me. I have to escape and I have to hide.

Then I remind myself that yesterday was a beautiful day. The world was clear and today is just a bunch of clouds. My mind is cloudy today. My outlook is cloudy.. My love for self is almost null today but days like this don’t last long for clouds move across the sky revealing a beautiful ocean behind it. Sometimes they move slow, sometimes fast. I know this but can’t see this today. I have been doing amazing lately and this is just a hiccup which happens. Behind the cloudiness and fog is a strong resilient woman who knows that making it through today regardless of how I make it through it will happen.

I still hold onto hope that by me taking time to understand me and this illness . I will continue to have faith and trust that I’m in the hands of God.