A Letter to Mary Jane

Dear Mary Jane,

I wanted to take a minute to say thank you so much for being you. You are a blessing from God and I truly believe this.

You help me cope when I’m feeling overwhelmed. After spending a few minutes together it doesn’t seem so bad. I can sort through the important and not important tasks of my day. I am reminded that my girls are the most important and with your help the anxiety of being a mom will not take me from them. You help me be the mom I want to be.

Last week when I missed my meds and woke up and severe withdrawal you were there. The nausea, headaches and just being me was way too much. I laid in bed crying confused why God would make me suffer this way. With a gentle nudge from my husband to just open up to you for just a few minutes (eventhough it was 8am in the morning) I did and the nausea, body pain and headache faded away. I was able to get out of bed, make breakfast and be the mom my girls needed that Sunday morning.

I really appreciate the other day when I was feeling so depressed and I didn’t want to even be around my family. To smile seemed impossible.To even leave my room and begin a conversation with my own family was intimidating. One of the hardest parts of Bipolar is the paranoia that even your kids don’t love you. To find the power to talk to my family was far away – my reality was not reality at all. Mary Jane, you reminded me of what reality is and that many times my reality is false.  You came in and with just a few breaths you awoke the love within me again. I don’t know how you do it. You help me be the mom I want to be.

You lift the anxiety of being a mom. I can always talk to you for a couple minutes and you remind me that what counts is inside me and all the rest can just fade away. So what my kids don’t look perfect when they walk out the door? So what if we are a little late? So what if no one likes me? So what? Thank you for reminding me that I am becoming the mom I need to be.

I can’t even tell you how much you have helped over the past year. With all of the health issues that bombarded me in the beginning of 2015 – anxiety and panic attacks, arthritis, overweight, hormone imbalance, lack of energy, clinical depression, thyroid issues – I didn’t have much hope. My doctors told me to stay away from you and they were pushing and pulling me in all directions.  However once we met you helped me cut that list down and now I only have to take four pills – from 15! . You were with me when I needed a bit of a crutch to lean on as I detoxed off anti-depressants that I was mis-prescribed for three years.  I trusted the medical system and it failed me. You did not. I felt so bad at times I didn’t want to be a mom. You have helped me bike, hike, run and play and showed me I could be the mom my kids want me to be.

I will work hard this next year to make people understand how important you are to me, my family and my work. People just don’t understand you at all and it’s unfair to those of us who need to know others like you.

Ever so thankful,

Zoe M.