Butterflies Wild In My Mind

This is probably the most organic image I’ve created. A week ago I started sketching out a series of butterfly images. The day I planned to do them was the day I had to tear down my she shed. My she shed was more than a building and I guess had become a space that held me and kept me safe in the darkest times of my life. However after 25 years of existence and six years as my she shed she was eat up with mold and rot. Jarred took this photo of the shed the morning it was torn down. I wasn’t home. I took the self portrait the next day never intending to create this. However it somehow represents how I’ve felt since Thursday. 

Things have felt chaotic since I cleaned out the shed to paint it a few weeks ago. I’ve felt off. Maybe the weather has a play in it as well. Before all of this I felt amazing. Free like a butterfly in the spring. Now those butterflies are intwined in some chaotic sprint I feel like I’m spinning in. This self portrait of me was a “let’s try this angle really quickly”. Then last night driving home after a long weekend in Birmingham for my daughter’s volleyball tournament this image came to me. 

This morning I broke down. I don’t handle stress well. I feel like for the past week it’s been non stop planning and be here, do this, drive here, tell me this. Chaos. All those free feelings tangled up in all of these parts of life that hold us down. I like people but I’m people’d out. I struggle to sit still but I’m tired of moving. I welcome change but am slow to embrace it. Too much change, too many words…even me typing this is a pull for me right now. I don’t want to proof read it so I’m not. Too many words. Images seem easier and needed right now but there is so much about this image in this moment that is me. I typically don’t post images the moment they are finished so I feel a bit removed from them but this one. I feel raw. I want to hold this pic in front of my face and tell people this is how I feel right now. I will take questions later.

Life doesn’t give though. You have to take your time and make your boundaries which I’ve basically just thrown out the door lately. I keep putting everyone before me. Maybe I need more time alone than others. I know my needs. I’m a pro at self-reflection. What is happening in my life right now isn’t working. At. All.

Today I take a moment to get back on track. Breathe deep – A LOT! Write. Create and do the bare minimum to do to get by today. Today is not the day to take on the world or add anything to my to do list. Today is the day to just survive. Today is the day to ask for help. Today is the day to purge the chaos. Tomorrow I will thrive. Today I will survive.

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