Guilt, shame, hurt, forgiveness.
This morning I had a “manic rage” happen in the car while driving with Julia. We were late for school. I began to feel guilty. I fear I’m caught up in a pattern of rage and anger. I began to feel everyone would judge me for having her tardy for a third time. My deeply rooted need to make everyone happy and that no matter what I do will ever be good enough just sent me into a feeling of anger and pain. Those feelings reflected onto a six year old is just fucked up. Wanna see cyclical family patterns – I remember being that six year old taking on the brunt of my parent’s issues.
I did my morning reading and on the site tinybuddha and I stumbled on these words from an contributing writer:
“Sometimes, you feel as though you are riding the bicycle backwards. You feel like you are backtracking and heading in the wrong direction, but really what’s happening is contraction and release. The universe is preparing you for something much greater and like a sling shot, it’s going to shoot you forward—you just have to move backwards for a little bit.”
So I could sit and say oh man I did it again. I had a manic rage again. I lost it on my daughter who is the sweetest most sensitive little person. I’m a horrible mother. Everyone is going to judge me if my daughter is late again. I shouldn’t yell at my kids – I’m going to screw up my kids like I am. My daughters will have to go to therapy because they got a bipolar mom.
All of this thinking is living in the past or future. Not the present. The present moment that I am in right now is a moment of love. My youngest is at gymnastics. I’m surrounded by women who love and aren’t judging me. If they are it’s not on me. Julia is at school with teachers who wrap her in love on days like this. (Your child’s teacher should know if you’re Bipolar. This coming from a former teacher who needed to know what was going on at home to help those kids.)
Forgiveness – it’s a difficult idea to practice at times. I’ve always been able to forgive others. I’ve always just let it go – people screw up. However forgiving your own self is the hardest forgiveness to give. I know I must forgive myself and do my best to change old habits and patterns. I’m trying to remind myself this morning is a contraction because I feel closer now than ever to love and forgiveness. Not on this day but in general. I can never be good enough for anyone until I’m good enough for myself. I have hope that one day I will be good enough for myself.
“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” ~Albert Einstein