A Return To Love : My Backstory

Having a “nervous breakdown” makes you stop. Being a Type A personality for 36 years of my life makes it very difficult to just STOP and let it all go. Let Go and Let God. That’s what they say but that is a very difficult term for a former control freak like me. However after my nervous breakdown I sat there on my knees stripped of all my armor – my beliefs, my anger, my faith, my confidence, my pain, my love and my hope -all gone leaving me standing there in the middle of my own hell.

After months of darkness I was desperate. Could the one person I had walked away from years ago be the answer?  I decided to attend a Unity of Nashville service one week with guest minister Rev. Paul Tenaglia. He was giving a spiritual word entitled “Don’t Just Do Something, Stand There.”

Stand there? WHAT??

No one has ever told me to just stand there and let it all happen.  I guess it goes along with Let Go and Let God which was always to me a phrase that had no meaning. I had walked away from God years ago when I realized the God I was supposed to believe in was a God that abused his power, carried a ego larger than the universe and judged us all. In that service I cried, I listened, I opened my eyes and my heart to the the power of God. I was given the knowledge to affirm who I am. I was given permission to cry and sit and feel and honor all of the hurt, the pain and the anger that had built in me for over 20 years. That is a lot to honor and reflect upon. He spoke to my heart. God spoke to my heart. I thank you.

I’m still rebuilding who I am each day but now I know the arms of God are here to embrace and protect me. It’s ok. I no longer need to feel guilt for not “doing it all” or “being the perfect mother and wife” or “being known as the best photographer” Part of my healing is learning the truth and love of the Spirit. Letting go of the guilt and fear. Healing from the pain I have carried for years. Raised southern Baptist I feel I have to learn again who God is.

Nice to meet you God. I have so much to learn and understand. I’m listening.

So that’s the backstory to why I’m reading A Return to Love by Marianne Williams. This book in the first three chapters has taught me so much and reaffirmed to me that I’m not alone in this journey and by opening up to others I will receive the power to heal myself and become the person God has planned for me to be. I have been made new. That is the light I am holding onto in this journey.