I won’t lie. Staying in the light is difficult for me. I’ve held it too which is good and bad. It makes me want to fight for it and give up whatever I need to give up. However it also scares the hell out of you to know the light is slipping. The peace. The contentment. The strength. The confidence. The wild woman feeling tamed again.
I wrote this the other night. I’ve been journaling a lot which is good and bad as well. Good in that it helps make things much clearer and scary because the entries are of me seeing myself entering a phase of transformation I guess and trying desperately to find my way back to her – the woman I long to be and for a brief moment in time was.
9/15/21
I envision a hippy dippy life filled with all things woo-woo. Only light and no darkness. No giving a fuck. No worries of things I have no control of. No gossip. No concerns with the status quo except to know I don’t want to be it.
I release me from the darkness. I’ve wandered too close to it again. Just close enough though to feel part of me still in the light. I need to connect with other women that have the same spiritual interested, similar journeys, stories to tell, seekers, healers, storytellers, wild women. My soul feels lonely. I know what it feels like to be a lion being tamed after knowing the wild….fear, anger, memories slipping. I find myself shopping, obsessed with the physical, new car….I miss my roots that I discovered three years ago then the arrival of 2019 – a golden year. I remember feeling so light and everything so vivid, crisp…a permanent high. A trip. My highest self so far. .. I was thriving. No longer surviving but thriving. Full bloom. Why do seasons have to end?
I have to find my way back to my authentic self. I know for me I have to be wide open and tell my story. I’m not meant to be a mystery or if I am I’m not meant to feel like I’m one. I have a story to tell and a journey to still live. Purpose. Personal purpose. I stand on a precipice of where to go….I’ve been here before. Read your journals. Stop it!
Mediate. Yoga. Read. Unity. Journal. Pescatarian. Turn off the noise. Tune it out. Listen to more music. Podcasts. Read your books. Wear your stones. Breathe. Let Mama Nature hold you. Four Agreements. Let go of the betrayals.
Focus Amanda. Open your fucking eyes! A wolf is at your door.
I know it’s all an illusion — this false self that has begun to consume me but it’s becoming a reality and really in life the only thing that matters is our own reality. That’s what needs to controls us yet I find myself letting the possible imagined reality of another life consume me. It’s like I stand outside of me and see me through the warped reality of another – daily.
So I share this rawness not for others to read but maybe because I stopped sharing I started slipping. Just to put it into the universe. Purge it maybe. I’m a writer – have been since I was young. I’m used to purging the dark parts through pen to paper or fingers to the keys. so I type to find peace I guess. Or maybe one other human in this world is feeling the exact same thing I am at this moment and they know they are not alone.
