“Women always try to tame themselves as they get older, but the ones who look best are often a bit wilder.”
Lately I’ve felt tamed having to adhere to the rules of a world that I do not belong to. I feel this heaviness, chains, a weight bearing hard on me. My wings….oh my beautiful wings being ripped as I try to fly free.
I sometimes feel I don’t belong in the area I live. I see things differently often. I want to live a life of less – a life of freedom from the constraints of being like I should. I want to say no more and it seems impossible. I want to say yes more and it seems impossible.
Last night I started cleaning out my she-shed preparing for the summer. I miss her. The winter I was so consumed with this world I’m in. Forgetting all I learned in those years I spent in the darkness. The light I discovered feels dimmed. Covered in a shroud and dirt. You don’t go into the darkness without emerging a different woman. I left that woman behind. These days I’ve felt weak to the trappings of this new reality – a reality I don’t want. I want my real reality back – bright colors, wide wings, free spirit, don’t give a fuck attitude. Time in my shed yesterday refreshing it seemed to refresh me. I would clean then read my old journals. Reflect. Remember I’m one of the strongest people I know. Not that I’m bragging but I did the work, faced almost every fear, crawled, ripped apart the shell that always protected me. The she-shed. Such a sacred place that holds a light that I let get dimmed by the cold winter – a winter of my soul that needs to end. Only I can end it really. I am the Mother of My Soul – my light. I birthed it myself. I screamed and cried through it all. It can not be in vain. My she-shed reminds me of it.
Why do I write this? Because this world I live in doesn’t know it. It seems to want to push it all down back in the corners of that black box I discarded a few years ago.
Manifest it. Recently bought me a new piece of luggage although I didn’t really need it. A camera bag to travel with. A new passport holder. New flowy dresses. I’m manifesting it I guess. Remember that. Meditate on it. Do your hippy dippy woo woo stuff I reming myself. Return to love, return to my rituals, return to my truth, return to love. Love is light. With my words and actions lately they are not love for me or others.
Travel untames me. Free and wild, unplanned and unstructured, selfish and alone travel. I need it now. I need to be refreshed in somewhere new to me. Somewhere I have not tamed over the years. The road calls to me. Soloigo I need to hashtag it more. My real world, my own reality awaits me out there. The world calls to me and I must go.
Wish me luck. Pray for me. Send words support me as I break this shell that has started to form around me. Strength. Send me strength to return to my truth.