The lunatic is in my head
The lunatic is in my head
You raise the blade,
You make the change
You rearrange me ’til I’m sane
You lock the door
And throw away the key
There’s someone in my head but it’s not me
-Pink Floyd.
“Brain Damage”
There are two women that live inside me but they are who make me who I am. When I’m in a low place I often refer to the other woman as “her” and the “bad one”. Unfortunately for me I don’t have multiple personality disorder so I know when “she” is here. She can really do some damage. She is my hurricane. She is my tormenter holding me hostage and my pain inflictor. She is the woman only my close friends know and the woman that hides behind my peace seeking love on the outside.
I know when she emerges. I even know when she is coming to visit. It’s always a thread inside me that breaks. It’s the thread running through my spine turning slowly from gold to grey. It is me telling my husband “she” is coming. I know I scare the shit out of him sometimes talking like this but the most dangerous part of “her” coming to visit is keeping her locked inside. She will quickly chip away my foundation and down I crumble. She’s a tornado moving across a landscape of beauty. “She” is vicious. “She” is my darkness. “She” is my worst enemy living inside of me.
If you go to dark places seek help and be honest. Screw those that place a stigma on mental illness. Find a friend who can be your check in buddy. My husband has become supportive of my illness (he was in denial at first) and begins to recognize when my depression returns. How? I tell him and he knows to become more vigilant, more understanding and more loving. I have a close girlfriend who checks in on me often and always asks how I’m doing. Instead of giving a rehearsed answer I can be honest because I know she will not judge. Find that person. Your person. Your support group. Your light. Your supporter of your journey.
Warmly,
