This is not a dark post but a happy post – What?
I have wanted to break free of my life for so long but those chains are often hard to break. Micheal Miridad calls this a Spiritual Transformation of the Soul in You’re Not Going Crazy, Just Waking Up. I had to cross over from confusion and darkness into light and rebuild. Granted I took the long hard way over and over.
2015 was a year for spiritually becoming aware of what was brewing inside me. 2015 was when I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. It was a year of mourning and discovery of what could be. 2016 – that year is a blur and I can only remember things when I read about them in my journals or see images that I photographed at that time. I felt pain and darkness. It’s a tough year to remember and 2017 was just pure darkness. If you read my blog you know this. I sunk down in the muck I was wading through and accepted that I may just drown in it. I could reach for help but it always seemed the muck was too thick or the top of the water was too far away. As I realized I was struggling to just breathe in my own life I reached my breaking point. Once I stopped stirring up the muck I began to see the light shining down again. As Marianne Williamson writes in Return to Love, “Next time you’re down on your knees, why don’t you just stay there?” So this I did. Welcome 2018.
There upon my knees I took time to find a new therapist, explore alternative therapies like neurofeedback, returned to God, rediscover the joy of reading, practice Zen meditation and learn how to do affirmative prayer. Sitting there on my knees I began to heal more than the three years I tried to constantly climb out.
So I no longer do the things I think I have to because the rules of society tell me so. No longer do I force myself to run a business that was killing me – building me up just to tear me down again. I’ve had the successful career – a few of them to be exact. No longer do I sign up for every volunteer opportunity at my kids school. I love being involved there but I don’t feel my best when I over extend myself. Now I sign up here and there. No longer do I feel guilty for not bringing an actual paycheck into my home. I know this is not an option for all and I’m blessed to be able to focus on being a stay at home mom. I struggled letting this one from my mouth for many years. I’m finally happy – genuinely happy. The depression has stayed away for five months. The anxiety is almost non-existent. I’m not just accepting this life but I have crossed the bridge and began to rebuild the life my soul has called for for many years now.
I write this in order to help others know that they are not alone. It is a journey we all must take at some point. As hard as it has been and as confused as I was when it began it all makes sense now. I found faith, hope and clarity and my hope is for everyone to do this not matter how hard the journey. It will be worth it.