This is not a dark post but a happy post – What?

I have wanted to break free of my life for so long but those chains are often hard to break. Micheal Miridad calls this a Spiritual Transformation of the Soul in You’re Not Going Crazy, Just Waking Up.  I had to cross over from confusion and darkness into light and rebuild. Granted I took the long hard way over and over.

2015 was a year for spiritually becoming aware of what was brewing inside me. 2015 was when I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2. It was a year of mourning and discovery of what could be. 2016 – that year is a blur and I can only remember things when I read about them in my journals or see images that I photographed at that time. I felt pain and darkness. It’s a tough year to remember and 2017 was just pure darkness. If you read my blog you know this. I sunk down in the muck I was wading through and accepted that I may just drown in it.  I could reach for help but it always seemed the muck was too thick or the top of the water was too far away. As I realized I was struggling to just breathe in my own life I reached my breaking point. Once I stopped stirring up the muck I began to see the light shining down again. As Marianne Williamson writes in Return to Love“Next time you’re down on your knees, why don’t you just stay there?” So this I did. Welcome 2018.


There upon my knees I took time to find a new therapist, explore alternative therapies like neurofeedback, returned to God, rediscover the joy of reading, practice Zen meditation and learn how to do affirmative prayer. Sitting there on my knees I began to heal more than the three years I tried to constantly climb out.

So I no longer do the things I think I have to because the rules of society tell me so. No longer do I force myself to run a business that was killing me – building me up just to tear me down again. I’ve had the successful career – a few of them to be exact. No longer do I sign up for every volunteer opportunity at my kids school. I love being involved there but I don’t feel my best when I over extend myself.  Now I sign up here and there. No longer do I feel guilty for not bringing an actual paycheck into my home. I know this is not an option for all and I’m blessed to be able to focus on being a stay at home mom. I struggled letting this one from my mouth for many years. I’m finally happy – genuinely happy. The depression has stayed away for five months. The anxiety is almost non-existent. I’m not just accepting this life but I have crossed the bridge and began to rebuild the life my soul has called for for many years now.

I write this in order to help others know that they are not alone. It is a journey we all must take at some point. As hard as it has been and as confused as I was when it began it all makes sense now. I found faith, hope and clarity and my hope is for everyone to do this not matter how hard the journey. It will be worth it.


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