Excerpt from an October 2015 therapy session:
Why are you angry?
Because I’m scared and full of fear.
What do you fear?
That people won’t like me.
Because I’m not good enough.
When those words echoed from my mouth I cried. I cried for days and when I finally told my husband this piece of information that had been slowly pulled from within me I sobbed like a baby. I never knew I didn’t feel good enough. It wasn’t me. I was confident and full of myself. Ha. That was all a wall protecting me but keeping all of the nasty secrets hidden inside. Nothing like a good therapist to find that missing piece of the puzzle.
This discovery was huge in my healing and transformation. I spent so many years denying my emotions and anger that I didn’t want to know what was making me so angry. I had to have it pulled from me like a splinter pulling from your heel. I was tough as nails but it hurt like hell when it was removed. Then there was peace. Unexplainable peace. Peace that I still have even months later. Imagine living in a world where you don’t feel good enough for anything or anyone. Sucks.
I can’t express how important it is for many of us to stop and take time for ourselves to understand what makes us tick – tock. What makes us who we are -good or bad? We all have the same good and bad inside of us. We just have different circumstances and different wounds. Sometimes there are demons hiding in your closet that just have to be faced in order to finally sleep and find the peace rest brings. In order to face it though the wall has to come down. Mine crumbled hard but I’m so glad. What beauty I have found now that I’m no longer hiding behind that wall.