It’s hard the days depression hits. Bipolar depression throws a person for a loop. You have to adjust. Life downshifts for the mountain you are about to climb. You were just racing down a flat road the day before with wind in your hair and a smile on your face. Slowly you start to think you are unloved and alone. This is when fear creeps in and the paranoia begins. Not paranoia like people are creeping outside my window but the belief that people are talking about you or your husband is having an affair or worse – your kids don’t love you anymore. The suffering returns and the world becomes sharp. Anxiety overtakes me on these days – these weeks. Obligations get cancelled. Milestones get missed. My bed becomes my favorite place just to avoid the harsh world lurking outside my window.
Days like this I’m thankful I have a journal and an online blog. I can look back at words penned weeks ago and even days ago and have hope that this period of darkness will once again end. I open up to friends and family that I am back here – back where I feel unloved and scared. This helps. Ask and you shall receive. I’m back where tears flows endlessly and I’m drowning in a river of my own shame. I find relief in knowing that this time shall eventually pass and I’m allowed to just be while this time passes.
So give me a hall pass today and the days following. Don’t judge me for not being perfect. Don’t tell me how to solve depression or it’s just a mindset. Don’t push your oils on me or tell me to have faith in God. I do. I know I’m loved. I know my husband loves me. I love myself. If I didn’t would I share my deepest fear with the world. However it’s the chemicals in my brain that once again got short circuited, crossed and confused. They are at times stronger than my heart and the love that resides within. I’m not just being snobby or bitchy – I’m hurting inside and too scared to share the thoughts of the moment. I’m caught up in my own hell and just need some compassion.
All of us that are depressed just want you to show us compassion, love and understanding. Bear with us. We don’t want to feel this sad. We are working on lifting ourselves more than you realize.