Yesterday was bad. Really bad. Kicking walls with rage tears pouring out puffy eyes scared of people bad kind of day. Yesterday was a really bad day after six really good days.
Then this morning I woke to what was going to be another bad day then I changed my thinking. Changed my thinking! That’s right I still have some power over my mind.
I went to the gym and during my cardio continuing reading A Return To Love. I read just what I needed to understand – truly understand – the rage the comes from me at times. The pure rage that blinds me from everything around us. It’s not a white light but a black light radiating from me. It hurts. It scars. It scares. It stops me from praying or finding the white light. What is it? My therapist says it’s a “manic rage”. So it is rage. What is causing the rage? Manic rage – sounds evil. Oh and it is.
So it seems, which I would have never thought, I’m pushing out the evil, the demons and dragons that continue to wound me. I’m not talking dark magic holy rollin’ kind of evil. I’m saying the old patterns that hurt me and those around me. The wounds covered by years of hiding and denying. The fear and anxiety that stops me from discovering my true power and purpose. That is my evil. That is my hell.
God sends us signs if we open our hearts – and he will open our eyes. That day he sent me this reading.
So what are we to do with our fear, our anger, the clouds that cover the love inside us?
Relinquish them to the Holy Spirit. He transforms them through love, and never through an attack on another person. It is attack, not the anger itself, which is destructive. – Ch.9 Return to Love
Wow. My anger/evil can be transformed into love if only I’m conscious about it and give it over to God. I guess this is how people use a break up to motivate them to loose weight…something like that. Change in direction of one’s energy. Instead of releasing my evil out into the world – release my fears to God’s love. With his guidance he will transform them to positive opportunities.
Great Creator | Bring to me what I do need and take from me what I do not to fulfill my purpose. I give to you the shame and guilt that cloud my skies and desire to continue to shine in your generosity and compassion.
Everything comes to you and thru you. You can only hold your breath for so long. We are not meant to hold on to emotional pain & shame or material versions of those. By me spending so many years denying God I filled that void with shopping. I became spoiled yet unfulfilled. In a world of sparkly and pretty things I was only filled temporarily and inadequately. Not until I opened up did I realize
I did very that today in therapy. I acknowledged my strengths and prayed for the ability to release my fear/my pain/ my anxiety over. I believed in the very words I had read only hours before. I released it all to understand that since I was little I have never felt good enough. Layers and layers of armor have been built to protect me. The anger and hardened persona has protected the little girl inside that then and still doesn’t feel good enough for this life she’s living in.
This is a painful process and I’m often tempted to go backwards. I am a spiritual warrior now ready to take on the pain of self-discovery. I have recognized that I no longer want to the dull pain of unconsciousness that would last the rest of my life. We live in a spoiled world that is filled with beautifully wrapped boxes but let our gifts be broken and shamed away. I no longer want to live in that dark and hurt world. I continue my journey to self-actualization.