“I don’t really want to live this life”
I’m not a big Train fan at all. I remember my friend in part 2 of college that loved them. I never understood. Maybe it’s because I wasn’t being who I wasn’t then – I mean I was being the most me I had ever been and God it was amazing. There was a freedom that I felt for the first time ever. I had my wings spread far and wide and everything within that was mine to have and hold. I no longer longed for a frat boy that didn’t want me. I no longer felt under my dad’s hand. I no longer worried what people thought. It was all gone. All the dark. All the pain. All that remained was light. Beautiful white light.
I had begun to understand religion and spirituality. I was mesmerized by this and followed Wayne Dyer and Marianne Williamson. I had faith in something bigger than me then. I was drawn to those very similar to me and we had amazing conversations and adventures. I was no longer under a society induced sorority that forced me to be a certain way which I was not. I no longer wanted what was not mine to have but instead dream a dream that no one could stop once my wings took flight. Yet those dreams didn’t come to fruition.
Maybe it wasn’t a dream meant for me.
I somehow fell down a rabbit hole and falling I did until this year. I gave up Boston to chase after a love that wasn’t meant to be which in the end was not for me. I became scared and isolated in a big city. Fear crept in. When I tried to re-open my wings again I was not strong enough. I didn’t believe in me a bit. A big fish in a little pond was now swimming with the sharks with more approaching. I let dreams die and tried to find a new one. To this day I’m still trying to figure out a dream. Maybe it’s writing this book or blog or whatever this post becomes.
I no longer want to be Queen Virginia and with turning 38 today I say farewell to her. Life is too short to be sitting in your closet screaming while holding your crown in your hand.
No longer will I worry about how I look to others on the outside but how I shine to them when we meet. No longer will I focus on expectations of me but rather my dreams in me. No longer will I value me based on what society thinks I should be doing but instead my value on what I give to my home and world that radiates from it. No longer will I allow myself to get lost in the craziness of this world. Heaven is out there and peace resides there. Crowns don’t get you to that place but only blind you. I’ve been blind for way too long.
I have been both Virginia’s. I have held tight to both of them as well. We as women must choose which one. There is no teetering on the line holding our bare foot to one side while counterbalancing with our crown in the other hand. One Virginia holds that crown tight with blood pouring from her hands sacrificing who she is for the “greater” good. The other walks softly with open hands and sacrificing what she can not take with her instead of who she is now.
My wish is for all women to find the beauty in being you. Glorious and wonderful you. Glorious and wonderful Virginia.